The Messter Map - Toilet Training Revisited

[Cue ominous music.] Dah, dah, dah dahhhhmmmm. Dah, dah, dah, dahhhhmmmm. Beethoven's Fifth is this week's theme song at my house. I am facing my fears, overcoming my natural inclination towards procrastination, attempting to potty train my two oldest children. I can do it. I've done this before with a sweet, but obtuse, Golden Retriever and an evil, half fruit bat boonie dog. Here's my list of supplies (based on past experience).

Newspaper (rolled up) - check
Spray bottle (for squirting offenders) - check
Crate (for time outs) - check
Collar (for dragging to time out crate) - check

What? They aren't dogs, you protest. They must be treated like small human beings. Seriously? I am going to try it as if they are higher life forms but I have a sneaking suspicion that the above method would be faster.

My real list of supplies (based on much advice from experts, friends, and family).

Elmo potty (for waste placement) - check
M & Ms (for bribery) - check
Pottybook (for proper instruction of toddlers in use of potty) - check
Patience - hmmmm, more supplies needed
Wine (for patience building) - check
Rum (see above) - check
Patience - possibly
Rubber gloves (because, gross, my friends) - check
Disinfectant wipes (see above) - check
Bleach (ditto) - check

The hatches are battened. The rugs on the main floor are up. My plan is to start on Tuesday morning (the nanny comes Monday, so I'll spend that day in ritual relaxation exercises) and go in swinging, no messing around. Cold turkey on the diapers. Panties only. I can not think of anything in the last two years that I have wanted to do less, but I'm going to try to go against my germophobic, anal retentive, control freak nature and be positive.

In an attempt to make this disgusting process more palatable for me, I've decided to incorporate something that I love (besides alcohol). A MAP. I have previously mentioned how much I love maps. For example, the one down there on the right? The Cluster Map? The one that magically shows where readers of this blog are when they visit. I might marry it. I would gladly and lovingly potty train it. (My addiction to the Cluster Map is spreading by the way - sorry Jane at See Jane Blog!)

Below is a map of Stacey World, created in order to plot potty training incidents in my house. It's modeled on the brilliant people at Cluster Maps. It's a Messter Map. It shows the floor plan of my house and I will put a dot anywhere that I have to clean up a mess involving bodily functions in the rash hope that collecting red dots on my Messter Map will make cleaning up poop and pee from my floor more exciting. Dare to dream. I already think I need more incentive. I think if I get more than two new dots in one day I also get a guilt-free Starbucks chai tea. And, a glass of wine. And, a rum and coke. I'm feeling better.

And, now, the first, the one, the only, the debut MESSTER MAP. It enlarges if you click on it. Not because I know what I'm doing, but because blogger just does that. Fabulous.


After Tuesday, I am going to move it to the side bar over there on the right and update it daily. I know how excited you probably are about that, so I'll be sure to stay on top of it.