What Does 'Kill Me Now' Start With?

Ess and Gee entered this letter phase recently. Do you know of this new toddler horror? Yeah, yeah, it's wonderful, they're learning their letters, they love it, it's the precursor to reading, they're smart, I'm thrilled. I'm quite certain that I ought to be writing a post about how adorable it is and they are and all that, but I can't because:

OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S ONE OF THE MOST ANNOYING THINGS THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I try to be enthusiastic, but my cheerfulness wanes by, oh I don't know, 8:00 a.m. The barrage begins first thing in the morning, every single day.

Ess: What does store start with?
Me: Ssssssss. Ssssssss. Sssssssstore.
Ess and Gee: ESSSSSSS!!!!!!! ESSSSSSSSSSS!!
Gee: What does mouse start with?
Me: Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmouse.
Ess and Gee: EMMMMMMM!!!! EMMMMMMMM!!!! IT STARTS WITH EM!
Gee: What does shark start with? What does shark start with momma?
Me: That's a tricky one. Shhhhhhark. Shhhhark. Shhhhhhhh. What says shhhhhh?
Ess and Gee: I don't know.
Me: S and H together say shhhhhh.
Gee: NOOOOO!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! S says ssssssssss.
Me: Right, but with H (heh, heh, heh), it says shhhhhhh.
Gee: NO IT DOESN'T. IT DOESN'T SAY SHHHHHH. WHAT DOES SHARK START WITH?
Me: Kay. It starts with K.

I've been grumpy and impatient for weeks. I know it. Matt knows it. It has affected our time in the tropics on this incredible adventure and that sucks. I haven't felt well. I snap easily and when I shouldn't. I don't want any one hanging on me and there is always some one hanging on me.

The other day, Gee asked for a "huggins please momma, can I have just one huggins." I said, "Hug your father, can you hug your father please." I realized I'd just turned my baby away without a hug, and while my rebellious stomach might be a good excuse, it doesn't matter, because even if the ultimate number of our hugs is in the millions, there is still a finite number. And I threw one away.

I burst into tears at the bottom of our stairs one afternoon because I couldn't face walking up them with the imaginary lead weights around my ankles. I cried about walking up a flight of stairs. I hiked to the top of this island the day I went into labor with Gee. What the hell happened to me and my body and my energy reserves in the last three years?

Oh wait. I remember. Toddlers. Toddlers and their endless alphabet games. (Wait, you all are so sweet to me. Don't even think about being nice to me if you comment. Don't enable my wallowing, tell me to get off my ass and do something fun with my kids because it's not like they decided to have another baby!)

I know I need to try harder, but the letter thing gets on my last nerve. Yesterday, we hit a new all around family low. I gave Gee a time out for whining at me about what shark starts with. S AND H. TOGETHER. I CAN'T HELP IT. I DID NOT INVENT THE ALPHABET.

Matt: What does 'you're a little impatient with them' start with?
Me: The same thing that 'you are not even giving me grief right now, I have been doing this all day, while blossoming (to put it kindly) with your fourth child' starts with.
Matt: What does 'eat something and get your blood sugar up so that you aren't such a pain in the ass' start with?
Me: What does 'maybe I'll go to a restaurant and have a nice quiet meal all by myself' start with?
Matt: What does 'I had them all yesterday afternoon' start with?
Me: What does 'puh-lease' start with?
Matt: The same letter 'prima donna' starts with.
Me: I'm thinking of a word that starts with 'A.'
Matt: Huh, mine starts with 'B.'

They were 'awesome husband' and 'big, happy family,' in case you were wondering.

This post is brought to you by the letter B (for brilliant mother).