Is There Any Mommy Out There?: The trappings of Christmas

Matt and I are really different. I deeply appreciate a good bargain and I'm careful with money, but I get easily frustrated, bored or desperate and I just want to get the damn shopping over with already. Matt is a comparison shopper. He never gets bored. He never gets desperate. He never balks at the idea of returning to the same damn store we originally visited later to buy something after checking out the prices in fifteen thousand million other stores.

So, with that background, yesterday was long. And boring. And I can't even begin to tell you how desperate I was by 10:00 a.m. It's that age old story. Christian boy meets nice semi-Jewish girl. Girl is adamant about live Christmas trees. Boy thinks live trees are a colossal waste of money. Girl begs every year for the picture perfect outing to the tree farm. With reindeer! And cocoa! And beautific rosy cheeked children! The outing is never picturesque or perfect, but girl perseveres. Boy mocks. Boy stalls. Boy cries fire hazard! Boy convinces girls to acquire horrific, tree-eating horse-dog. Girl caves two weeks before Christmas. Boy and girl go on endless comparative shopping trip for fake trees. Girl throws temper tantrum hissy fit in parking lot of Lowe's because, if we are doing this, she wants the expensive tree with the realistic needles and the full shape and the thousands of perfect white twinkly lights. Otherwise girl wants a live tree with outing and cocoa RIGHT NOW. Or Saturday, when everyone is home. Boy does math in head based on price of fluffy full shaped grand fir live trees and agrees to expensive fake tree because the "ROI" is five years out.

?

Girl demands Starbucks chai tea latte and the "ROI" is immediate if boy ever wants to see girl without pants in his lifetime again.

Then we had to pick up the Kindergartners and since the day was one long extended outing anyway, we took the whole crew to see "one of Santa's helpers" at the mall.

Waiting to see Santa. Yes, I only finished half of Saige's hair last night. I'll get it done before the damn Christmas pageant, okay? Don't rush me. I'm over the rope bridge, remember?

Oh fun! Everyone is so excited! I'm loose in the mall! I'm so excited!

What.in.the.everloving.world.is.wrong.with.you.people. GETMEOFF. GETMEOFFRIGHTNOW. OMFGTHECREEPYREDGUYISTOUCHINGME.

My children could talk the ears off of a deaf reindeer. (Sample questions: Where are your reindeer? How'd you get that tree in here? Where are the elves? We have an elf in our house.) Also, when Santa asked Garrett what he wanted for Christmas, he said, with a suspicious glint in his eye: "I already told the elf."

No one told me the bearded guy gave out candy. Let's go back, I want to sit in his lap again.

Post Santa visit of ridiculousness, we drove BACK to Home Depot to buy the very first fake tree that I liked from the morning, except that they didn't have any more. They haven't had any for weeks, a state of affairs that we neglected to ask after on our earlier visit. You know, because most sane people have their Christmas trees already because most sane people do not fight about Christmas tree acquisition for two weeks before purchasing.

Well. We are not most sane people. Obviously.

Then we drove back to Lowe's where Matt went in to ask them to match Home Depot's price on the tree of my desire while I sat in the van and had a meltdown along with all four of my children on the phone with my mother. Other people drunk dial, I parking lot dial on Matt's comparative shopping excursions of unhappiness. Ask my mom and my sister, they have listened to me rant from many a parking lot. I also text Elise. If you'd like to get on my parking lot dial list, please let me know, I need fresh victims.

Lowe's didn't have any more pretty fake trees either, surprise, surprise, but when Matt returned to the car his shoulders were slumped a bit in defeat and I didn't have the heart to vent my trapped in the van with four grumpy children frustration on him. Instead I suggested nicely that we plan a trip to the really cool tree farm with reindeer and cocoa for Saturday.

At home, I put the four children to bed while Matt comparative fake tree shopped on line in the last gasp hope that he could order a fake tree and have it here before Saturday. Suddenly, his excited voice echoed from the office. "Can you hold it?! I'll be right there."

The man had found the fake tree of fluffy real needle twinkly light happiness at a Home Depot thirty minutes away on the state line. (The Idaho, Washington state line if you're wondering.) He whistled for his reindeer(-sized dog) and loaded his sleigh(-like Suburban) and flew out of sight into the foggy, freezing-rain of the night. An hour later he returned triumphant with the exact tree that we had chosen that morning except that it was on clearance and he got it for $99.00 instead of $238.00.