Molluscum contagiosum

For weeks now, I've been mildly concerned about two little pearly bumps in Quinn's left armpit. I noticed them and showed them to Matt and promptly forgot about them. At bedtime, I would notice the larger one and comment that maybe we should have it looked at and then forget. Until the other night when I went in to check out the largest skintag/bump/zit/whatthehellisinQuinn'sarmpit and lo and behold they had multiplied like a freaking loaves and fishes Christmas miracle.  At the count of nine, I called Matt in for consultation. He had no idea, so I did what every mother does when her child has freaky pearl-like skin bumps, I asked twitter.

O great and powerful twitter:  @anymommy Quinn has all these weird little skin...bubbles? ... in his armpit.  He's three so more likely silly skin virus than something horrid, right?

And twitter, well okay, Dre, @walktherope, answered me:  I'd have to see them to give a real opinion, but look up molluscum (think I'm spelling that right) it can look like skin bubbles.

Molluscum. That sounds absolutely disgustingly like my child has small barnacle sea creatures growing from his underside. So, yes, yes of course, that's probably exactly what it is.

Then, I did what every mother who asks twitter and gets an immediate diagnosis does.

Call our pediatrician? WHAT? We have killer copays and he doesn't have a well baby until JULY and his arm is functioning and obviously getting blood flow, so um NO. I googled "molluscum."

Ah yes, said Google, Molluscum contagiosum. We know it well.

I didn't even have to get to the description of this skin virus which actually involved the words "pearly" and "zit-like." I saw "contagiosum" and I knew immediately that this is exactly what my child has. Contagious skin barnacles. Of course he does. Is the universe kidding me? It's like some celestial being that's watched too many Harry Potter movies pointed it's big elder wand at me and was all, oh yeah, you mock the elf on the shelf and fake trees, I curse you.

MOLLUSCUM CONTAGIOSUM. Take that, anymommy.

The best part was that I could not restrain my obsessive compulsive picking tendencies and I had messed with the largest contagious skin barnacle until it popped. Oh.my.god., I know how you all LOVE to hear about how disgusting we are in intimate detail. You should go back and read the pinworm post (Update: the pinworm post link, by request). Google got the last word on that one because the little health blurb was all (I paraphrase), "and don't mess with those suckers either because the virus lives in the waxy white center and that's why it is contagious when a child scratches the bumps."

Or when his psycho mother pops them. So, I am waiting to develop contagious skin barnacles on my face while I try to think of an appropriate countercurse for the whole entire universe.

Like ASSICUS BOILUS VIRALUS!

Or perhaps the dreaded OCULAR WORMICUM HORRIFICO! Wherein the Twelve Days of Christmas, Feliz Navidad and Mele Kalikimaka will play in your brain for the rest of your life on repeat FOREVER. Ha! I hope you are all good at countercurses or shield curses, but I've already got all of my protective incantations set up so don't even try to deflect that shit back this way.

HUMBUGICUS BAHAVERA.