Something becomes controversial, something goes down, something needs to be decided. It could small, like whether to mop or swiffer the preschool floor (no, I will never let that one die, it was too awesome). It could be huge like how to address health care issues in a nation of 360 million. It could seem petty like whether someone lied on their blog or it could be completely legitimate.
A discussion commences, it moves forward, sometimes it rages. Maybe it gets heated. Maybe it's gone on for an hour, for months, for an entire election cycle. Eventually, it never fails, large or small, some person starts using this tactic to shut others down. On twitter, it's the "it's over" syndrome. "Move on." "Drop the drama." At the board meeting, it might manifest as impatience. At the national level, maybe the dissenters are called out for "standing in the way of progress," or "failing to support our President," or worst of all in my opinion, racism. Maybe it's just the brilliant political quip "you lost, let it go." Yes, that was sarcasm.
There are hundreds of ways to say it, high-brow or blunt, but the core sentiment is this. We, "the in-the-right, cool people" are so OVER this and you the "still discussing a dead issue not cool people" are SO YESTERDAY. I believe its simplest expression may be the exaggerated eye roll. Which I've perfected, so I get it. Really. I even encourage it, just at home, not during the debate. That whole thing your mother taught you about not talking behind people's backs? It's kind of wrong. When mocking people for their passionate opinions, do it behind their backs. I don't mind being mocked, I just don't want to know about it.
I am not defending hate speech at any layer of our lives. I'm not saying we have to let nastiness continue on twitter, or on the House floor or at a community meeting.
What I am saying is this: It is belittling and counterproductive to tell people when something is "TOTALLY O-VAH." Because, to them, it's not. Letting discussion play through to its conclusion is so healthy. If it's done right, it often allows participants to let something go, to process, digest and understand the other point of view. It always allows a person to listen better to the opposition if they feel heard themselves. Shutting people down might feel like a win, but if you've left them seething and resentful, it's a loss in the end.
It particularly bothers me when there is a power differential. I see this on twitter all the time. Something will get heated and suddenly a blogger with lots of followers will start in on the embarrassment tactics. "This is over. Move on." I'm not saying we can't call someone out for getting personal. I do think that there's a better way. How about "that's really personal, can you keep it respectful" or "let's stick to the issue, not the person."
Because discourse leads to compromise and resolution. What if the founders, instead of hashing out the beautiful compromise we call the Constitution, had yelled IT'S OVER ASSHOLE and gone home? What if Ben had been all "I'm done discussing State's rights, bitches, we need FEDERALISM" and George had gotten in his face and said, "SMALL STATES RULE, WIGHEAD," and the Adams brothers had rolled their eyes and let fly with the "Let's just MOVE ON already, do we really need TWO houses in this stupid government. Blah, blah checks and balances, you people never shut up."
No, I am not comparing the constitutional convention debates to a twitter drama flare up or a preschool kerfluffle. Much. I am comparing them to the current national debates about the economy and health care.
I've been in discussions that went on for hours, but ended with unanimous votes. I've been in negotiations that tanked because people refused to stick it out. To hear others. I think great things can be achieved when we let respectful discourse and negotiations continue as long as necessary. Whether it's peace in the middle east or peace in a marriage or how much to regulate the insurance industry or what's a healthy snack to serve to four-year-olds or how much disclosure is necessary when you blog about products, whatever the issue, it can benefit from honest, respectful discussion.
And if you get to that point we all reach, where you are just done and you want your fleece pajamas and a glass of wine already, it's easy to achieve. Walk away from the debate, whether that means standing up and saying good night or closing your computer. Sticking around to tell other people that they are done feels like bullying.
That's what I think. (Blush, clears throat, crickets chirp.) But, no one really cares what I think anyway because you are all SO O-VAH me.
I can't exactly get all "this is what I think about debate" on you and "discourse is good" and then close comments can I? Gentle. This is the kind of post that usually stays in my head or in the drafts except that posting every day is hellishly hard. What do you think? Or tell me one of your pet peeves. Unless it's "women who complain about what other people tweet on twitter." In that case, please, mock me behind my back in an IM conversation so that I can pretend that everyone likes me.E&E Tally: 11377 words
Blog posts: 17/30
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