You have no idea how anal I really am

It makes me laugh every time I write about my days or our routine and someone (or lots of someones) comments "I don't know how you do it" or "how do you get them all to bed" or "how in the hell do you keep your children out of the kitchen."

I've written a little bit before about how we all do it, in our way, with our own tricks and our own priorities. The partial truth, for me, though? I.am.insanely.organized.

That's not a boast, it's an admission of severe mental illness.

Remember Monica from Friends? I can guarantee you that she was based on a real person because she is me, I am her, except, well obviously I'm not that pretty and I'm not a movie star, but stick with me here, I'm talking personality flaws.

I'll confess some of my crazy. Brace yourselves. (Disclosure #1: I have a cleaning guy. He cleans every other Friday, so I never have to mop floors or clean bathrooms. Disclosure #2: Matt is unbelievably handy. I never have to worry about maintenance or bigger fix it projects and he does all outdoor chores.)

1) I am incapable of coming downstairs in the morning until everything upstairs is put away and is in perfect order. I dress all four children and send them downstairs to Matt and then I straighten, organize, fold, pick up until it's perfect upstairs. Only then, can I go downstairs. Once I leave the upstairs, no one is allowed upstairs except for naps or bedtime.

2) I rarely leave the house in the morning without cleaning the entire kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and putting everything away/in order for the next meal. If I have to leave without cleaning, it drives me insane.

3) I hate clutter. I put things away with vicious efficiency. I throw things away if they annoy me by being in my line of sight too often. Matt thinks I could throw away one of the children if they sat in the wrong place too long. The downstairs is always neat. Throughout the day, as I run upstairs a thousand times for things and downstairs to the basement a thousand times for things, I carry all out of place things with me and put them back where they go.

4) There are two problem clutter areas in my house - the office and the laundry room. They hurt my brain.

5) I hate any kind of grit, crumbs or any other detritus on the floor. We eat only at the table. We eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks at 10:30 and 3:30. Wandering food drives me insane. Matt eating chips on the couch ruins my entire day. My children aren't allowed in the kitchen, besides passing through. Pretty much ever. I think this works because I don't cook much, but also, you know, because I'm CRAY-ZEE.

6) Sticky stuff completely grosses me out. Again, with the no wandering about covered in ick. Eat at the table. Get washed. Now you can leave.

7) When I wipe down a child to remove crumbs and/or sticky I always use the wet paper towel to tackle a crumby/dog hairy/other detritusy area of the floor. If I don't, I feel like I've completely wasted that paper towel.

8) Are you bowled over by the crazy yet? I warned you.

9) I could give a shit about my minivan. It's a disgusting sty. Does that help? Probably not much.

10) I am constantly doing laundry. I actually love laundry because of the way it slips in between other things that I have to do and gets done so efficiently. I always check & change loads when I go downstairs. I always carry clean loads, if any, when I go upstairs and I always fold and put away the latest basket while I'm singing lullabies at bedtime. If I get behind, I can't sleep.

11) I never let the kitchen stay messy. I will stop everything to clean it up, empty the sink and wipe everything down.* (*I'm bad about pots, I hate washing pots and I will let them sit in the sink sometimes, but I still clean the entire sink under and around the pot because gross, messy, streaky sink ick. Ew.)

12) I always clean the kitchen & leave it spotless before I go to bed. Always. Unless I'm really drunk and then I still sometimes wake up at 2:00 a.m. and have to (COMPULSION, Have To) go down and clean it up. On the rare occasions when I actually leave it all night, I feel ill until I've cleaned it up in the morning.

13) If I get under an hour to myself, I can play on the computer, read a book, watch trash TV, whatever. If I get more than an hour to myself, I have to move at least one large project one step forward before I can waste time. Currently, my large projects are:
1) Organize the office. (UUUGGGGGGHHHH.)
2) Decorate the mudroom. (Fun. I'll finish this one quickly.)
3) Second draft of romance novel.
4) Second picture wall on the stairs.

14) The three older children have quiet time every day during Nate's nap and then, when Nate wakes up, we clean up the basement toy room. It's always completely picked up before they are allowed to come upstairs and we can move on to the next activity. Sometimes, this is a HUGE problem in my day. (The whining, my ears, I mean seriously, you pulled down every toy in this toy room and yes you will help me put it back, yes you will.) If we don't have time to clean up, I can leave it, because it's in the basement, but it bothers me all day, oh yes it does.

15) Whenever we return home from an outing, I have to unload the entire car, wipe everything down and put everything away where it goes. Everything in my life has a place where it "goes." If it doesn't have a place... well, yeah ... it all has a place because if it doesn't (whispering) I throw it away. ((Matt still has not forgiven me for an incident thirteen years ago when I threw away some precious, unopened Nascar model cars. I threw them away because they didn't "go" on top of the TV. For three months.))

Pros to my insanity: I get a lot of time to myself. Because my incredibly scheduled kids go to bed early and my house is usually already clean. Cons to my insanity: Rebellion? Years of therapy? Extremely anal children with anxiety issues? It remains to be seen, I suppose.

I'm a little embarrassed to hit publish. You won't hate me because I have a mental disorder, will you?