Scaredy cat

What scares you?

I'm physically afraid of a lot of things. Spiders. Pain. Needles.

But, it's the mental stuff that really scares me. The irrational, psychological fears. The dark. Walking up our basement stairs (I always have to run the last few.) Showering after nightfall. I call it the "creep factor." It's that feeling that jump starts your heart and makes the hairs on your arm stand up, that makes you look over your shoulder.

Even those fears aren't the ones that affect me day to day. The fear that holds me back, my biggest fear, you might say, is failure. Not any old failure, I fail all the time. I fail to keep my patience; I failed to be a lawyer (happily); I fail to pull my shit together and make dinner. This is different. This is wanting something, badly, and trying my very best, putting my all into it and failing to achieve it. I will refuse to try my hardest, I will subconsciously hold back, if only to have that to fall back on.

I didn't put my all into it. I got busy. If I did my very best...

I worked with an editor. I sent him my manuscript (typing that makes me laugh; it's still a genre romance, nothing fancy) and he read it and gave me editorial comments. It was a fantastic process. I highly recommend it. He lent me his expertise and I got direction and a clear plan for moving forward.

I also got encouragement. Yes, I paid him, but he said some things, things he didn't have to say, about my writing, my plot and my story that will stick with me, keep me writing and moving this project forward, despite the times when I'm convinced it's a monstrous, hopeless waste of time.

I am very glad that I sought his help, but true to form, I sent him my first draft. I could have edited and reviewed myself. I could have made it so much tighter, so much better, before I looked for professional review and I didn't because that is too scary. If I had sent him my best, my very best, and it wasn't enough, I would have no where to go. I would have failed.

Do we all sabotage ourselves this way or is this unique to my perfectionist little soul?

So, now I have his notes. I have direction. I have a clear plan. I know what to do. I just have to do it. And I have to dare to do my best.

I know, I ask you deep questions and then I close comments and don't let you answer. I'm buried in s'mores and splash pads and outings with a favorite aunt and, while I always read and adore your comments, I don't have time to read blogs and respond the way I'd like. I have enough neurosis that keep me up at night, I don't need to feel all guilty about you guys too.

P.S. anymommyoutthere@gmail.com