True north

Mostly mothers read here. It's no mystery why that's true. And, though, I value every one of you, though I am enriched and strengthened by your thoughts and your understanding and our joint experiences and our different points of view, though I appreciate the fathers and the mothers-to-be and the non-parents and the people that read here to remind themselves of why they absolutely need to keep taking their birth control...

Today, I am talking to the mothers. In particular, the mothers in the thick of it, with no distance to gain us perspective, no stretch of years to soften the rough edges.

There is so much information out there. So many opinions, so many considerations and permutations and questions and certainly no lack of answers. Ask any question about raising a child and a hundred experts will tell you what to do. Question any technique and another expert will tell you why it's wrong and argue for the opposite tack.

We are buffeted and blown off course over and over by the fickle winds of "popular" parenting. Until our mainsails crack and our boom swings out of control and we can't find true north. It's enough to make your head spin. It's enough to make you feel like a really crappy mother. It gives some people the ammunition they need to treat you as if you're a really crappy mother.

Here's what I want to say to you and to me, today. To all of us. Every single one. Yes, you. Even you, the one who glared at me yesterday.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are doing it wrong.

Whether you breastfeed or use formula or both, no matter how you gave birth, no matter if you didn't give birth at all, whether you yell or never raise your voice, whether you are Christian or Buddhist or Nilhist or Big Fat Goose Egg Nothingist, whether you work or stay home or try to work while staying home;

whether you immunize or don't, whether you hold your children in your arms or you had to let them go, whether you believe in positive discipline or love and logic discipline or no discipline or just do it because I totally told you to and that is FINAL discipline;

whether you would like to change your body or not, whether you limit TV or stress about TV or let your children watch TV all day or don't allow a TV in your house (am not sure how you survive), whether you homeschool or unschool or schoolhome, whether you pick whatever school program is closest or agonize for weeks;

whether you cook a nutritious meal every night or rely heavily on chicken nuggets, whether you buy organic or cheat and buy only organic milk and the veggies on the "worst for pesticides" list because ohmigod, organic is expensive and a girl's gotta have her chai, whether you co-sleep or cry-it-out or co-sleep until six-months when you are so sleep deprived that you can't stand it any more and then cry-it-out, whether you have one child or ten;

You are doing it right. You are right for your children.

No one else delights in them like you do. No one cares about their every thought, their every pain, their every joy (trust me on this, we really don't care the way you do, we love you and know it is important to you and we are pretending to care because we want you to love us and listen to and pretend to care about our stories too). No one else thinks they are absolutely precious no matter what. No one else loves them so deeply, so thoroughly, through their anger and their tantrums and their screaming and their happiness.

You are not too hot or too cold or to tall or too short. You are not too hard or too soft or too big or too small. You are just right. That's a promise.

Just look into their eyes today, the only compass that you need. You will see true north.

Happy Mother's Day.