The World According to Matt

Matt's world is so much simpler than mine.*

Matt on why he can not manage to clean up the kitchen when he feeds the kids dinner. What? It is clean.

Matt on breastfeeding. Breasts are bigger, that's a positive. Breasts are for baby only, huge negative. Huge.

Matt on co-sleeping. Fourteen pound cock blocker. Also, why does he get all the boobies?

Matt on whether the kids watch too much TV. It's not TV, it's college football.

Matt on whether the kids watch too much football. No. They watch it on too small of a TV. It's hurting their eyes. Our TV is too SMALL.

Matt on whether he wants to take Cue to toddler class or Gee to his four year well baby check. Toddler class sounds skippable.

Matt on why the kids call our new (finally finished!) mudroom, the "dog house." Because it is the dog house.

Matt on how it can possibly be the "dog house" if we don't have a dog. But, we will.

Matt on whether we eat too much processed food. What? Like hot dogs?

Matt on hateful, anonymous internet comments. Why do we care what internet people think?

Matt on internet comment people hurting my feelings. Turn it off.

Matt on my intense internet outrage. It's in the corner.

Matt on the fact that I'm still talking about judgy internet people. The red box. With the little "x" on it.

(Not comments here. I was surfing; I shouldn't surf.)

Matt on whether I should be freaking out that my three-month-old insists on sleeping on his stomach. Can he do it in his crib?

Matt on Cue's worsening attachment to his nanny blanket. He's so quiet when he holds it.

Matt on whether I should insist that he leave nanny in his crib. He's so loud and screamy when he's not holding it.

Matt on discipline. Do I need to leave you with your mother? (Sadly, this works, because he doesn't notice how dirty they get and he let's them play with his tools and push the shopping cart.)

Matt on whether the baby spends too much time in his swing. He's so quiet when he's swinging.

Matt on taking the baby out of the swing. He's so loud and screamy when he's not swinging.

Matt on increased mercury in swine flu vaccines. We were both vaccinated with mercury preservative vaccines.

Matt on the fact that I'm still stressing about the swine flu vaccine decision. It's the flu or the vaccine. You're going to stress either way, aren't you? If I take a position one way or the other will your stress be resolved sooner? Which way could I lean to expedite that process?

Matt on mercury preservative. There are certainly worse chemicals that we don't know about.

Matt on my new stress about unknown, harmful chemicals. Could you stop talking? Better idea. Could you stop thinking?

Matt on whether it's wrong to get water at Starbucks every day. Why?

The cup. I get water every day with my chai and it's a whole extra cup. It's so much trash. I recycle it, but still. I should reuse the cup, but I always forget and I'm so thirsty if I don't get a water.

Matt on cup stress. You are worried about the water? The water is free, woman. It's wrong to get the goddamned chai every day. We could send a kid to college on those chais.

Matt on why he wants to deny me my one guilty daily pleasure. You are making my brain hurt. If it makes you happy, drink the chai.

Matt on why I'm still not sleeping. Are you seriously lying there worrying about that cup?

Maybe. And also why I couldn't get hulu.com to work so that I could watch Grey's.

Matt on what's wrong with this crazy world. You. You are the crazy in this world.

Goodnight. Goodnight, I love you.

Matt on why I came to bed and left the hall light on. I'm already in bed, you were last to bed, you have to turn it off.

Matt on the fact that I haven't moved yet. You seriously aren't going to turn it off?

You know I'm afraid of the dark. I'd rather sleep with it on than walk to bed in the dark. We've discussed this many times.

Matt on how I can possibly be that afraid of the dark. I don't believe you.

Matt on my fear that he will turn into something scary and supernatural during my walk from the light switch to our bed in the dark. I'm a little afraid of you right now.

*Matt's an awesome Dad, he just doesn't stress about things the way I do at times. He totally turns the hall light off for me every single night without turning into anything scary or supernatural. That's why I love him.