Never Say Never

No, the baby is not still in the pumpkin despite my dismal lack of updates. But, don't worry. Not to disappoint. I torture him again for my own sadistic amusement in the next post.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Babe

We drove to Seattle last weekend to meet Matt's parents and take the kids to the zoo. Seeing Grandma and Grandpa and visiting the zoo were the highlights. Spending the night with my entire family in a single hotel room was the low point. Possibly of my entire life.

I believe around 3:00 a.m. I hissed to Matt, who was, at that time, serving as a buffer between Ess and Gee so that no one's toes would touch anyone else on any part of anyone's body because SO HELP ME GOD if one more small, whiney person whined/commented or otherwise mentioned the position of another small, whiney person's toes, I was going to internally combust or sob uncontrollably. As I was ranting, I might have hissed the words NEVER AGAIN in such a low, evil, inhuman tone that Matt sat up to check that I hadn't been possessed by something demonic and that my head had not actually swiveled all the way around.

We've stayed in a single hotel room before, but never with four children. Three was our previous record and always with at least one pack-and-play.

Yes, we did. We attempted the rarely seen four-children-under-four, no pack-and-play hotel night trick. If only it had been an illusion and in actuality we had a suite, or at the very least metal cages for our little darlings.

Because we are idiots, there was no fancy sleight of hand, just two miserable adults and four very awake children. In theory, Ess and Gee were to sleep in one bed, which we have successfully accomplished in the past. Babynater would sleep in his car seat, a feat he regularly performs at home. Cue would sleep between Matt and I in the other bed.

In reality? After three hours, from eight until eleven, of unremitting whining and bellyaching about touching each other, Matt gave up and laid between Ess and Gee. Without access to each other, they did finally sleep, but only after Gee whined so persistently and annoyingly for a drink that I may have fantasized about making him sleep in the bathtub with the faucet dripping so that he could get a freaking drink whenever he wanted one by simply sticking his obnoxious, non-sleeping tongue under the drip and lapping it up.

The slightly stuffy, miserable baby, who normally is an excellent sleeper, slept on my chest. Even the suggestion that he perhaps might please sleep elsewhere evoked piteous squalling that immediately caused commentary from all other occupants of the room.

Baby nate is crying.
Momma, your baby is crying.
Baby cwying, momma, baby cwying.

Thank you. I had no idea. Their helpfulness knew no bounds.

Cue slept at ninety degree angles to me with some sharp horrid part of his little body piercing me at all times. No matter how many times I moved him to the correct bed and body orientation, he flipped it around and jammed something into my side. The only time all night that he slept parallel to me was when I side-nursed Nater and he managed to jam himself so close up against my back that I was wedged on my side between my newborn and my two-year-old.

Good times.

My arm slept, soundly, with accompanying numbness and excruciating pain. That was the only part of me that found any relief all night.

My minivan does seventy-five, I lost my mind and now I can't drive.

The kids adored the zoo. They had so much fun that I almost forgot my near suicidal moments from the previous night. Until the four hour drive home took over six hours. I can't even tell you what happened. I might have blacked out. It definitely involved losing count of bathroom stops and Cue inconveniently filling his diaper not ten minutes after we stopped for Ess and Gee to use the facilities at least three times.

It ended with the baby wailing inconsolably because he had absolutely had it with his car seat. Are you people insane? I have been in this torture device for like twenty four hours now. I tried nursing him briefly as a fake out and then sticking him back in his seat, but he was having none of it. He cooed and smiled and played and was clearly not the slightest bit hungry and then howled in anguish when I tried to buckle him back into the seat.

Matt finally refused to stop again. I helpfully hyperventilated while hanging from the ceiling by my fingernails in the front seat of the van because my tiny baby's hopeless, choking sobs were driving me over-the-edge, certifiably insane. I think I would have stopped and just given up and slept in the car on the side of the highway if Matt hadn't been there to speak non-crazy person and remind me that we were only thirty miles from home. He let me turn on the dome light and read Twilight because otherwise I might have had a stroke or unbuckled Nate and nursed him right there in the front seat for God and any passing highway patrol officers to see.

So yeah. Night in a hotel room with four small kids, thumbs down. Driving across the state with same, thumbs down. Zoo with Grandma and Grandpa, two enthusiastic thumbs up. The sacrifices.