The benefit of the doubt

This is a bloggity post about bloggers and blogging.  I don't know why I'm weighing in, I usually don't. The more I thought about this issue and how it comes up in blogland from time to time (but especially in this conference season), the more I realized that, of course, it's also a life-ity lifelike post about living.  Skip at will, see you on the back side.

I've written posts that I love to which no one responded.

I've read posts that I love and failed to respond.

I've seen projects come together on line and wished with all my heart that I'd been included.

I've asked to be included in projects that I am thrilled every day to be a part of.

I've had panel proposals for conferences rejected.

I've failed to propose really good ideas for fear of being rejected.

I've been taken off of a "big" blogger's sidebar without explanation. 

I realized I hadn't carefully read the blog or commented in over a year.

I don't even have a blogroll.

I've felt hurt that I wasn't invited to a party.

I've held parties and been unable to invite everyone.

I unintentionally hurt a friend of ten years on facebook.

I've been unnecessarily unpleasant on twitter.  Once.  I regret it.


No amount of regret will change the fact that some people only know me through that behavior.

I've been unfollowed on twitter.

I've been really, really supportive on twitter and on my blog.

I try.

I've felt lonely at BlogHer.

I've felt incredibly included at BlogHer.

I've been sad at the lack of response to an email.

I've failed to respond to emails.

I've lost out on deepening friendships made online because I hate to talk on the phone.

I've lost touch with incredibly dear friends met all over the world because I hate to talk on the phone.

I hate to talk on the phone.

I've stopped commenting on a blog even though I read it every day.

I've lost track of bloggers I love because of a problem with their feed.

I'm lazy and computer issues irritate me.

I have limited time on-line.

I've wondered why someone has stopped commenting here or never responds to my comments.

I've lain awake at 3:00 a.m. worrying about the fact that I haven't responded to comments.

I've lain awake at 3:00 a.m. worrying about the fact that I probably ought to worry about playing with my children instead of blogging.

I play with my children, okay, quit judging me.

I've been the mom at Kindergarten pick up that feels like all the other moms are friends and have playdates and carpool except for me.

I've been the mom at preschool who is friends with so many moms that she doesn't get a chance to talk to everyone.

I've cried and lost sleep when someone hurt my feelings.

I've told myself that there is no doubt that someone else in the world has cried and lost sleep when I've hurt their feelings.

I've driven my husband almost to spousicide working out my hurt feelings. I've realized it's mostly my own shit.

I'd never make someone feel that way on purpose.

I don't think very many people in this world would make me feel that way on purpose.

I've picked up on someone else's pain and been there for them.

I've failed to pick up on someone else's pain.

I've felt angry and disappointed that someone failed to pick up on my pain.

I've yelled at people I love.

I've been yelled at and it feels crappy.

My neighbor has told me to fuck off.

I'm not in general a person at whom others swear. I didn't sleep that night.

I've never told anyone to "fuck off."  To their face.

I've asked someone who is having trouble getting pregnant if they want any more kids.

I've been asked in the last two months if we're going to have any more kids.

I don't know, do you see what I see?  I don't think blogging is petty or "cliquey" or fraught with horrible, mean people.  Blogging is relating to and interacting with people, which is really hard. Rewarding and joyful and hard.  Bloggers are people.  And people are complicated.  People suck sometimes. I suck sometimes. The mantra that I try (and sometimes fail) to keep in my head is benefit of the doubt.  Our entire legal system is based on it.  Lives are spared or lost by it.  We need to give ourselves - and others - the benefit of the doubt. 


(Postscript: Snarky vent-bitching to your closest friends or husband completely excluded. Of course. Wasn't that one of the ten commandments? Thou shalt be allowed two to three friends and one significant other for confidential snarky vent-bitching.  Bolt of lightening.)