My First Day of Preschool

Today was my first day of preschool and I was really nervous. It's complicated. The drop off and pick up procedures. The lunch packing. New moms to meet. The loss of control. Who will wipe them after they wipe so that they don't leave shit on their butts? Who will make them wash their hands 8000 times so that I don't contract swine flu? They'll eat their cookie and not their grapes! Stress.

I tried to prepare for this morning carefully. We decorated lunch bags with stickers. We went to a friend's house for her back-to-school family tradition of Snickerdoodle baking. I arranged for my angelic neighbor to keep Cue so that I could attend the new preschool parent meeting. I braided Ess' hair with gorgeous dark brown beads shaped like hearts. I bathed all three big kids last night and myself. We all picked out our clothes. I had a really cute shirt to wear. I know, this was serious preparation.

[This is where there ought to be a cute picture of my new preschoolers, but I forgot my camera. See previous post.]

We arrived right on time and, as usual, my kids dove into the new toys, new activities, new experiences with enthusiasm. They greeted Teacher Misla (Priscilla, we've been practicing all week, but to no avail, sorry mom, good thing they call you Grandma) like a long lost friend. As usual, I felt a little pang in my heart at their independence. The crying kids clinging to their parents always make me feel like I must be too hard, too cold, that my departure causes no sorrow. Whatsoever.

I used my mantra: They have each other, (sob, they don't love me); I'm raising independent, confident children who love new situations (or, sob, they don't love me).

At the parent meeting, I listened to the school director espouse the Positive! Discipline! philosophy while I nursed babynater. Firm, but kind. Focus on working out problems, not punishment. Fabulous, because Positive! Discipline! sounded like it involved a lot less yelling than I've been doing lately and that will be an improvement in our lives to be sure. The other parents asked thoughtful questions about Positive! Discipline! and early learning, etc.

I asked how they would inform us if they had a case of swine flu at the school because that would be my signal to deploy force fields and stay in my house until next June.

The mother next to me looked shocked. "Do a lot of parents keep their kids home if you have flu cases?" she asked.
"No, some do, but most don't," the director answered. Because they want to end up puking their guts up in front of fifteen firemen. I restrained myself.

Actually, all the moms (it happened to be all moms today) seemed nice. I may make some new friends, I thought on my way back to the car, where I promptly discovered that my cute shirt was on inside out. So, that was great, I'm sure no one noticed the five tickets sticking out from various points on my shirt. I wisely took it off to turn it around right there in my parking spot in front of the preschool and when I pulled it back over my head I made eye contact with a Dad (the only damn Dad I saw all morning) walking back to his car. That was great too. I'm the exhibitionist who's a freak about the swine flu. Nice to meet you.

Pick up time arrived like five minutes after I got home. I loaded babynater and Cue with plenty of extra time because I wanted a chai tea and I wanted to arrive a little early to get some pictures. I deliberately set my expensive digital camera that I don't know how to use but love with all my heart next to babynater so that I couldn't possibly forget it again. I checked my clothes. All articles of clothing on correctly.

I had carefully discussed the optimum pick up time with Teacher Priscilla. Because, while drop off is no problem for my kids (because they don't love me), pick up can be a real bitch (because they don't love me). It's really important for me to arrive at a clear end point, when no activity is starting and they don't feel like they will be missing anything (because they don't love me).

Noon, she told me. At noon lunch will just be ending. Perfect.

At Starbucks, I realized that while the fancy, expensive digital camera that I can't use but love with all my heart made it to the front gate, I'd left it sitting there, on the sidewalk in front of our house on a very busy city street. I called my angelic neighbor and she retrieved it for me. We were still on the phone regarding my camera idiocy when I nearly flew by the turn into the quiet side street that houses our fabulous new Positive! Discipline! preschool.

Naturally, I slammed on the brakes and made a ridiculously sharp right turn because the street I was on is a busy city thoroughfare and it is one way and it would be a total pain in the ass to get turned around and back to the preschool and I'd be late, not that I could take any pictures anyway because I left the god-damned camera sitting on the sidewalk, but GAH! they would start some huge new activity like painting or story time and my children (who do not love me) would throw massive, horrendous tantrums about having to return to their loving, supportive, slightly yelly home.

The tires might have screeched a little. When the van returned to all four tires, I looked up and into the seventy or so faces of grades one through five of the fabulous Positive! Discipline! school, and all of their teachers, who had been happily playing on the playground equipment until some asshole made a screeching right turn onto their idyllic, quiet city street. Fortunately, I was still holding my chai and I hadn't spilled any. Priorities.

A miracle parking place right in front of the school's front door sent me reeling into a new dilemma. I would be able to see the van from the preschool classroom door, so I brilliantly decided to run in and get Ess and Gee without unloading babynater and Cue. Chaos reduction always being my ultimate goal.

Priscilla greeted me with a smile. "They did so well, no problems at all."
"Great," I gave her a strained smile, "are they ready to go?"
"Oh, well, they are a little slow with their lunch. We don't like to rush them. Why don't you sit down and join us?"

Wait? What? Why don't you like to rush them? What because they are actual small human beings with needs and desires and not automatons who must bend to my will? Noon. It's noon, woman, you said noon.

"Oh, um, okay, it's just I have two babies in the car and I got that parking place right there so I didn't unload them because it's so hard, you know, when I have to unload them..." I trailed off pathetically. In my immediate orbit was a mom wrestling with one-year-old twin boys while she tried to get her daughter ready to leave and another mom with an eight-month-old hanging off her arm as she helped her son pack up his bag. "I guess I can bring them in for pick up, if it's going to be slow, but I'd rather just do pick up kind of quickly." Not to mention my chai tea, it is getting cold...in the car...with my children.

By now, Teacher Priscilla had moved to the other side of the room to help a child with something. Why are there so many children at preschool? "Oh, sure bring them in" she projected across the room, "gosh, I don't think I ever left my daughter in the car." And. Ouch. Was that Positive Discipline? It stung a little. Meanwhile, my children left the lunch table and became intensely engaged in other activities.

Oh god no. I'm not sure how, but I got them out of there without any screaming. I might have hiss-yelled. Okay, I definitely hiss-yelled. As I caught my breath and rubbed my sore ego a little in the car, Matt walked across the road. He works in the building right next to our new Positive! Discipline! preschool. He opened the sliding door next to Ess and asked over the excited "Daddy, Daddy" yelps, "how was your new school?"

I took a deep breath to tell him about my awful day, you would not believe, camera, shirt, bra, chai, camera, turn, screech, pick up, children who do not love me, sob.

"Great," Gee said happily.
"We painted," Ess exclaimed, "with pink paint."
"Yeah, and went to the playground, and there's a kitar," Gee chimed.
"A guitar?" Matt asked.
"Uh huh. And dinosaurs. And we had lunch and snack."
"Wow," Matt told them, "sounds like a great first day of school."

I looked back at their shining, happy, excited faces. Oh yeah, it was a great first day of school.

[Insert adorable picture here, if my angelic neighbor didn't still have my camera.]