BlogHer
Chicago
Chicago
That's how it feels in my mind. Lighted. Flashing. Exciting. Frightening. Can't wait. Except when I kind of don't want to go because oh my, remember how you can be shy and kind of awkward and, um, sometimes not so good at making conversation? Fun! Or torture. One of the two.
Well, whatever, I am going because I want to meet so many people even if I have nothing to say because I'm a bit socially inept like that.
What am I most worried about? Nothing, really. Everything. I think I'm probably just like you? (Don't answer that.) I'd really like it if people liked me. You know, me, me, not I-had-five-hours-to-edit-this me. I'd really like it if I didn't blab on at some session and embarrass myself. I'd really like it if I didn't sit in a corner in silence at some party and embarrass myself.
Hang on, that's not all. I have far more specific angst.
1) I hope I'm close to amusing enough to entertain my roommate, even marginally. Actually, I lie. I want her to amuse me with her fabulous one-liners, all weekend. Pressure reversal. Genius. Oh, and I want her to love me. In return, I promise not to hug her. She hates that.
2) I'm very concerned about my total lack of mobile communication capabilities. Brace yourselves. I have a prepaid cell phone for emergencies. That's it. In this day, I know, shocking. I'm afraid that because no one will be able to tweet/DM/IM/text and/or beam me up Scottie, I won't know where to go or be able to meet with anyone to go. I'll feel left out and read a book in my room. Because, ahem, I enjoy reading books and I do not enjoy pulling on my big girl panties and walking into big gatherings A-L-O-N-E. Gulp.
3) Rest at peace, ladies and gentlemen, no one will covet my clothes/bag/computer/shoes/hairstyle or poor complexion. I will be approximately three weeks post partum. Yes, those are my maternity jeans. You might covet my boobs, but only because they will be so full of milk that I won't be able to breathe. Don't worry, those beautiful girls have a very limited lifespan, in eight months, it's back to a flat board with nipples that could poke through steel.
4) I'm afraid someone will judge me for ditching my three-week-old baby to attend. The timing was bad, but I really wanted to make it, without squalling boob attachment. I do breastfeed, and yes, it will be hard. I will absolutely regret it, forever, if I lose my milk or baby refuses to nurse after the conference. But, don't worry about the wee one. I've bought a really good crate and one of those huge hamster water dispensers, which I plan to fill with breast milk before I leave. I jest. I'm leaving all four kids with their father and my mother. Both have successfully cared for children without significant incident in the past. (Which won't preclude me from shedding tears when my mom calls to tell me that my baby hasn't eaten in two days.)
I feel some pressure toward additional disclosure. No illusions for the big weekend. Should we hit the big issues now and get them out of the way?
Hugging: Willing. I often go to the wrong side and cause an awkward cheek bump. Fair warning.
Remembering names: Not a chance. My mind is like a steel sieve. I suck. Please call me AnyMommy so that I can squeal CUTIE BOOTY CAKES or MOMMYTIME or VODKAMOM or NORWINDIANS without feeling like a complete idiot.
Pillows: Two, very fluffy, not flat.
Arms or abs: Preferably both, but if I have to choose... Arms. Biceps. Yum.
Leonardo: Not cute, too skinny, too scruffy.
Josh Lucas: Drool.
Spanking: I prefer the term, swatting, ahem, bottoms only.
Obama: So not going there.
Single Payer Plan: Aha. Not there either.
Circumcision: Twice. Watched. Not that traumatic. Am evil, swatting, child abuser.
Drinking: Yes, almost any time.
Dancing: Only after above and it's not pretty.
Trash TV: Hello! My favorite topic of conversation.
Jon and Kate: Early stuff is hilarious; recent developments are sad; hoopla over water and butt swat are ridiculous.
Miscarriages: Three.
Children: Nearly four, names involve the alphabet, no need to know my kids if I am allowed to be reminded eight times about yours.
Gay marriage: Absolutely.
California S.C. ruling: Correct on the law. (Before you yell at me, I READ that 200 page bad boy. If you haven't done the same, I respectfully ain't all that interested in being bashed.) Some of the extreme outrage demonstrates rampant misunderstanding of our, actually brilliant and fairly well functioning, legal system.
Constitutions that can be flippantly amended to reduce/limit fundamental rights: Abhorrent. Come on, California.
Breastfeeding: Love it. Convenient carry along packaging, no refrigeration needed.
Tandem/Cross/Shared/Co-breastfeeding: Sure. Anyone have a baby I can borrow? I hate pumping. Never mind. I'll be drinking.
Bloggers I'd like to meet, but fear they won't have time: Maggie, Dammit, Her Bad Mother, Black Hockey Jesus, Velveteen Mind, Room 704 women, Renee and her Cutie Booty, Flotsam, MamaSpohr, Playgroupie.
Bloggers I plan to accost because I feel like I know them but I really don't and they will be frightened and run: Sweet Life, Growing Up Mo, Maura, Issa, MommyTime, Vodka Mom, Marinka, AMomTwoBoys, MommyGeekology, Norwindians, Heart at Preschool, Backpacking Dad, Just Another Mommy Blog, Ann's Rants, Carolyn Online, Manic Mommy, Headless Mom, Amy in Ohio, Smart Ass Mom, OHMommy, Bernthis, Amazing Greis. There are more, but I have to stop because I'm scaring myself.
Lawyers: Are for sucks. (Takes one to know one.)
Attachment parenting: Lovely, in theory.
Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi, there's no contest, Neil. The whole point is the sugar.
SAHM/WAHM/WOHM/CABM*: Though it makes me nervous, I love meeting woman and other moms. I hate acronyms.
*Crazy Ass Blogging Moms
Good Mom/Bad Mom: Sit. Stay. Roll over. Blech. Love your kids? Me too. Make mistakes? Me too.
Favorite fast food: No thanks, I love to eat out, the more local and wonderful the restaurant, the better. I've only passed through Chicago. Anyone?
Coffee: Well, some form of caffeine, yes please, every day. Early. Preferably, SB chai tea.
Are you going? Say hi to me. I'm scared too.
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