Six years ago, I didn't want children and I would tell that fact to anyone who made the mistake of asking me why I didn't have any. I won't bore you with a long story. Eventually, I had 'em and I learned that it's not about wanting or not wanting, it's a state of being.
Here are five things I didn't know before I became a mother and the things I love to learn and learn to love along the way...
1) I didn't realize how much it hurt to lose a child. It's not that I didn't care, or was oblivious to grief, but I didn't know. In my short time as a mother, I've lost three pregnancies and our son's adoption disrupted. Now, I know. I don't love that we experienced this pain, but I love who I am as a result. I love that I am sensitive to the raw pain of miscarriage. I love that I have a new awareness for the grief of friends that can't conceive. I love that I know, I really know, not to say "it wasn't meant to be," or "it will happen," or "there must have been something wrong, you're lucky" or "God has a plan," and instead, to settle for a tight hug.
2) I didn't realize how angry I could be at a child whom I love with all my heart. I guess strong emotions go together, with great love comes great angst and great fear and, for me, at times, great fury. I love that I have learned the true meaning of anger management through motherhood. I've learned to take a step back. I've learned to turn away. I've learned to lower my voice when people - small or large - are screaming at me. I've sat outside on my front porch and cried tears of helpless fury over my kids' behavior. I love that I am better, (usually?), with customer service outrages and airline delays and atrocious drivers and life's frustrations on all levels because of them. I love that I am being watched and that I want to model a more loving, calm approach to the world, without backing down when I'm right, because that is what I want to show them. (I even love that I often fail, miserably, and I take a deep breath, tell them mommy said "ducks suck" and try again the next day.)
3) I didn't realize how much I would gain when I lost a little of myself. I didn't want kids because I didn't want to give up travel and time, time to write, to live, to eat out, to nap, to read, to be. I didn't want to give up me. I have lost all of those things and I miss them. I love that I am still me and I'm a mother. I love that I'm happy right now and I accept this time for what it is, temporary, fleeting, unbelievably fun and unbelievably horrendous, often in the same day. I love that I haven't forgotten who I am and that I know I will shine through again, when I'm done savoring this phase of my life.
4) I didn't realize how many ways there are to be a mother. It all seemed so simple before it happened to me. I'm not just a mom to almost four kids, I'm also a bio mom and an adoptive mom. I'm a mom to lost babies. I'm a mom who has relinquished a child. I love my new awareness of how many ways there are to do this right. I love that I'm a potpourri kind of parent. I'm free to despise arts and crafts in all forms, leave my kids in cribs until they're five, and still attend a free-play coop preschool. I'm also free to love many moms who feel differently on endless issues. We all love our children, it's that simple. I love that I've learned to walk away from people who think their way is the only way, it's made a huge difference in so many aspects of my life.
5) I didn't realize I'd be able to weep uncontrollably at a computer finishing a little post like this. Because there really aren't any words for this kind of love. I don't get to travel the world right now, my backpack is tucked away in a dusty closet, but I love that I still get a few drops of Jupiter in my hair, every single day.
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This meme is supposed to travel the world and stay close to home. I think it should travel metaphorically too and visit moms who entered motherhood in many ways. Harvard to Homemaker is an amazing mom, through adoption and birth, in my neighborhood. I couldn't live without her. Let's see what she loves about mothering. Far away, I'll travel to Alaska and ask Gayle at The White House and then to Guyana to visit Earnest Monkeys. Marinka, NYC mom to a blended family that we all know and love. If I can actually convince her to do it, her spin on this ought to be endlessly amusing, like everything she writes. Finally, Kym from I'm A Smart One is a mom to five who battled infertility and won and she's a surrogate mom.
The many journeys to motherhood - will you tell us more? What five things do you love about being a mother? Go see Her Bad Mother for the rules of the road and to link up to the larger project.
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