Picture minus thirty minutes.
Me: Okay, we're going to go for a walk. Let's all pee pee, please. Ess, you first.
Ess: (in a whine that could possibly cause my eardrums to explode or kill a large cat) I don't have to pee pee.
[[From here forward italics = a whine that could kill a large cat.]]
Me: Try.
Ess: I don't have to.
Me: Try. Come here Cue, let's check your diaper.
Begin game of keep away with Cue.
Ess: Mommmmmaaaa, I all done.
Me: I'm coming. Gotcha. Are you smelly? No? Good.
Ess: Mommmmmmaaaa, I all done.
Me: Okay!! Gee, let's go, it's your turn.
Gee: I don't have to pee peeeeeeeeee.
Me: Try.
Gee: NO! I don't have to peeeeeppppeeeeeeeee.
Me: Try.
Wipe and wash Ess. Put Gee in front of toilet.
Me: Okay, let's get our stuff on. Ski pants first, Ess.
Gee: Moommmmmmaaaaaa, no pee pee coming.
Me: (mid-baby-ski-pants wrangle) Okay, just a minute.
Ess: Is this the right foot, momma?
Me: No, other foot, boo.
Gee: MOOOOOMMMMMAAAAA!! NO PEE PEE COMING!!!
Me: Okay, pull up your pants and come out here.
Gee: Mooooommma, I want you.
Ess: It's not going on, my boot is stuck.
Me: Gee, just pull up your pants and come out here. Here, Ess, push down. Hard.
Gee: NO. I want you.
Me: Ess, sit on your bottom. I'll be right back.
Picture minus twenty minutes.
Gee runs around the kitchen island holding his ski pants. Ess cries about her boot. Cue has one boot on.
Me: Gee! Stop!! Now!!
Cue: Shu!! Shu!! Shu!! Shu!! (repeat, without pause)
Ess: I need help. My boot is stuck.
Me: Just let me get Cue's other boot on. Cue, hand me the shoe. GEE!! STOP!! IT!! NOW!!
Gee: I'm hungry, can we have a snack?
Me: When we get home.
Ess: I want a snack.
Me: When we get home. Okay push. Ouch, please don't lean on me like that, it hurts. There. Gee over here please, let's get your pants on. Put one foot in. Please don't lean on me like that, it hurts! Good. Zip. What is that smell? What? Cue! Did you?
Picture minus ten minutes.
Diaper change complete. Cue has pants, mittens, coat, boots. Ess stands in front of the door, down four steps, dressed to go. I am helping Gee put on his boots.
Me: (pulling at the boot) Cue, go backwards down the steps.
Cue: Big blank baby smile.
Me: You'll fall to the bottom, go backwards. Gee push, you have to push down with your foot.
Gee: I'm hungry.
Me: Me too. I'm also sweating. Put your boot on! Ess don't push passed him, you'll knock him down. Cue sit on your bottom. Go backwards! Wait!
THUNK.
Me: Shit.
Gee: I'm hungry.
Me: It's okay, baby, it's okay, did you bump your head? GEE! DO NOT RUN AROUND MY KITCHEN WITH YOUR BOOTS ON! Oh, it's okay. Let's get a tissue. Owie.
Gee: Momma, put my hat on.
Me: Okay, just a second.
Picture minus three minutes.
One handed hat installation. Cue stops crying, no visible damage.
Me: Let's go. Everyone outside. Climb in the stroller. Don't step on Cue's hand. Great job. I'm going to grab the camera.
Cram peanut butter bar into my mouth because, for the love of God, it's been forty freaking minutes. Grab three more peanut butter bars.
Ess: Momma, can we have a snack?
Me: Yes, if you smile for the picture and you sit nicely in the stroller all the way to Starbucks.
Gee: Do you need coffee, momma?
Me: No, I need vodka, but coffee will have to do. Okay, smile. Say CHEESE!!
Them: CHEESE!!!
Click. Click. Click.
Picture plus thirty seconds.
Gee: Momma, I have to pee pee.
That's not the thousand you were thinking of, is it?
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