Another Little Crack in My Heart

Garrett has been very closed about the night Matt fell. He's very closed about his emotions in general, very hard to draw out, though I try so hard. He'll be a tough study in junior high. He's stoic, he tends to get mad if he's pushed, he's frustrating and infuriating and, and...

Exactly like his damn father. Which is how I would know, even if he didn't let me peek through the chinks in his armor every now and then, that he has a huge, open, vulnerable heart.

He's only three. He doesn't like to go to the bathroom by himself. He wants me to sit - on the floor since the only other seat is occupied - and talk to him. He usually wants to discuss the finer points of the route the upcoming flush will take down to Nemo, but today he is serious and determined.

"When I get big," he tells me, "and I'm the boss, I can sleep with Mommy every night."
"You want to sleep in my bed? Like we did the night Daddy fell down."
"Yes. Every night."
Mmmmmm. That was a special night, bubs. We can't do that every night. We all need to sleep in our own beds so we aren't grumpy in the morning. Where would Daddy sleep if you slept in his spot? We slept together in Mommy's bed because Daddy hurt his head and we were both a little bit scared," I lean down so that I can see his face, studying the floor, "right?"
His eyes grow wide and animated. He has beautiful, light gray eyes. Eyes that are going to break someone's heart someday. They already break mine.
"Were you a little bit scared?" he asks me.
"Yeah, I was. I was a little bit scared. Were you?"
"No. I was a lot scared."

Cracks everywhere, a million tiny fissures. What can I do, there's no protection in the world for these lessons. No wall high enough. No gate safe enough. Daddies fall down. Mommies get scared. The planets have to align themselves. The world has to spin on its axis with no help from us.

He's only three.

"Well, that's okay. It's okay to be scared. It was okay, right? The firemen came and helped us and Daddy is okay and you got to sleep in Mommy's bed."
"I was a lot scared, Momma."

Me too, baby. Not so much for Daddy's hard head, though. Mostly for my heart.