We're Having A(nother) Baby

Just one beautiful baby. We had our ultrasound on Tuesday. Little Baby b is gone. Well, not gone, still fully there actually, which is a little disconcerting, but cosmically gone. His little heart isn't beating and may never have.

I keep waiting to feel really sad, but I don't. I hope that isn't horrible to admit. Maybe we had already accepted his loss over the last few weeks, or maybe twins never seemed all that real in the first place. Or maybe it's just plain impossible to feel anything but joyful and happy and overwhelmed with thankfulness when your baby, your very last, gorgeous, right on track baby is turning somersaults and waving his little arms and doing his very best to get your attention. Like he knows something and he's saying, look at me, I'm here for you, I'm here!

Maybe I just don't want to feel sad because this is my very last time for this part of motherhood and, even with all the (ahem) issues and stomach vileness, I want to savor the experience. I want to tip the cup all the way up and sip every last drop of joy out of it. Taste it fully because I know how quickly it will fade into preschool and then grade school, field trips and soccer games and best friends and cell phones and suddenly they will all be dancing their own dances, beyond the reach of my arms.

What I want to do right now, for the very last time, because I haven't even really done it yet, is this: We're having a baby!! Our fourth and final baby!! ETA July 4.

I feel like hell and it's just wonderful.