I'm Going Insane. GOING INSANE??

I think my two oldest children are driving me insane. My daughter has a scratch in her disk. She's unable to come up with an original thought. She just repeats what I say, only louder and in question form. It is perhaps the most annoying thing I have ever experienced. Remember back in elementary school when some mean boy would declare it was 'copy Stacey day' or something horrendous like that and then would parrot every word you said in an annoying voice. It's like that, only worse, because I feel like I should be able to outsmart the mean toddler. I have 33 years of experience and 19 years of education on her toddler ass. How am I losing?

Yesterday, trying to get ready to go to the store.
Me: Time to get our shoes on.
Ess: GET OUR SHOES ON??
Me: Yep, we're going to the store.
Ess: GOING TO THE STORE??
Me: Sit down on your bottom, please.
Ess: ON MY BOTTOM??
Me: Right here on the carpet.
Ess: ON THE CARPET??
Me: I am going to kill you.
Ess: GOING TO KILL ME??
Me: And hide the evidence in the basement.
Ess: IN THE BASEMENT???

You can see my point here? SEE MY POINT HERE?? It really wears on the psyche. ON THE PSYCHE?? I find myself yelling and screaming. YELLING AND SCREAMING?? Like a maniac. A MANIAC?? I have told her not to talk, please. DON'T TALK PLEASE?? She lasts five minutes and then it's "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY."
Yes, Ess.
CAN I TALK TO YOU??
Yes, Ess of course, if you can use your little voice.
USE MY LITTLE VOICE???

I used to have pretty hair before I ripped it all out. I use to have a fairly attractive face before I jammed this fork into my eye. To stop the pain. In my brain. Does she know? Is she intentionally and systematically driving me whole freaking hog crazy or is it just a phase? Please tell me it's just a phase because if she is a maniacal, manipulative genius I will not survive. Save me.

Meanwhile, my other two-year-old (technically, Ess is three now, but I'm claiming two two-year-olds until Gee turns three) is also a maniacal, evil genius. There are two of them. Send reinforcements.

We have this stock phrase I've taught them to use if they don't like something another child is doing. I learned it from the book Siblings Without Rivalry and from our preschool teacher, who has dealt with more three-year-old squabbles than anyone ever should in one lifetime. Ideally, instead of screaming like someone stuck a fork in their eye, they say, "no, thank you," to the offending child (usually a sibling).

It works, sort of, like a fork in your eye works to distract from your throbbing headache. Ess snatches a toy and Gee screams like someone stuck a fork in his eye. I say, "use your words Gee, tell her how you feel." He says, "No thank you Ess, I don't like it when you snatch my toy." Ess ignores him. Gee shrieks at the top of his maniacal voice "NO THANK YOU ESS!! I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SNATCH MY TOY!!" Ess ignores him. Gee throws himself on the ground and writhes and makes like bacon frying while screaming "NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU!!"

Me: Ess, he said no thank you, it makes him sad when you take the toy.
Ess throws the toy on top of his sizzling, popping self.
Gee clobbers Ess on the side of the head for touching his toy.
Ess screams as if someone just jammed an ice pick into her ear, open-mouthed with drool running down her front.
Me: Use your words, Ess, tell Gee how you feel.
Ess: NOTHANKYOUGEEITHURTSMEWHENYOUHITMYHEAD. Perfect. Except for the pitch and tone which are identical to the open-mouthed drooling scream pitch and tone. A pitch and tone so excruciating that dogs three miles away are looking for forks to jam into their eyes.

So, yeah, yet another parenting technique that works like clockwork, every time, just like the book tells you. Thank you parenting experts.

Today, we've reached a new level of parenting nightmare. Gee has turned my parenting technique back on me. The conversation this morning, trying to get ready to go to the playground for a play date.

Me: Time to put our shoes on.
Ess: PUT OUR SHOES ON??
Gee: No thank you, momma.
Me: We're going to the playground.
Ess: GOING TO THE PLAYGROUND??
Gee: NO THANK YOU MOMMA, I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN WE GO TO THE PLAYGROUND.
Me: Well, I'm still the boss and we are going to meet our friends.
Ess: MEET OUR FRIENDS??
Me: Sit down on your bottoms please.
Ess: ON OUR BOTTOMS???
Gee: NOTHANKYOUMOMMA. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE PLAYGROUND.
Me: We are not choosing. We are going. If you can't get your shoes on nicely, you will go to your crib for ten minutes.
Ess: GO TO YOUR CRIB??? GEE GO TO YOUR CRIB???
Gee: NOTHANKYOU MOMMA!!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO MY CRIB.
Me: I'm going to count to five and then you need to sit on the carpet.
Ess: ON THE CARPET???
Gee: NO. NO! NO THANK YOU MOMMA!
Me: ESS NO MORE TALKING!! NONE. ONE MORE WORD AND YOU GO TO YOUR CRIB.
Ess: Open mouth, drooling scream.
Gee: Writhing, bacon-frying flopping and sobbing.
Me: ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. THAT'S IT. CRIBS. NOW.

Children deposited in cribs. Deep cleansing breath.

Me: I will come and get you when you are quiet for five minutes. No screaming.
Ess: FOR FIVE MINUTES????
Gee: No thank you momma, I don't like it when you say five minutes.

What you are witnessing is a quiet descent into madness. Thank you Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish for your brilliant parenting techniques. I have one question for you. What do you do when they are smarter than your stupid, simplistic, same solution for every child and every situation parenting books???? And the answer is.....

Drink and I don't mean water.