A Few Design Improvements

Two things before I single-handedly redesign female human anatomy. First, thank you. Your comments and stories and supportive thoughts have really helped me. The fact that every single one of you refrained from calling me a crazy hose beast helped me. A lot.

In stacey-speak, you reminded me that my job is to try to find harmony and order in daily life so that I am enhancing the order and harmony of the universe in general. You said (I'm paraphrasing here), Dude, you're not resonating with the universe right now, you're flat, or sharp, or something. Retune. Find the b-flat that those wicked smart scientists hypothesize about and hummmmm it. Resonate. Preferably with the stars and the bees and the galaxies, not at that crazy pitch that caused that bridge in Western Washington to go insane and warp and buck until it collapsed in the 70s. (Have you ever seen that video though? It is terrifying.)

The universe is not out to get me or cause me pain. It just is. I know that wouldn't be of comfort to some people, but it brings me immeasurable comfort. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that I think that all of your positive thoughts and energy and harmonious vibes cancelled out the bad fortune teller ju-ju. Increasing the overall order and harmony of the universe through blogging. That is what we are doing. Spread the word.

Second. (Remember I said two things a long time ago, but I am so wordy and long-winded that you forgot by now.) Your valid complaints in the comments a post ago have been duly noted. I agree. The one who shall not be named but never sleeps is violating the rules of Any. Read on. Shhhhhhh. Keep quiet, he's like the undead, that one, and he senses references to his name like Voldemort in Harry Potter.

Where was I? I'm feeling better. I'm not ready to jump on in yet, but I am working towards peace with all possible outcomes. Last night, I contemplated my fertility fears and thought of some simple biological improvements and updates that would go a long way towards relieving my stress and allowing me to take the plunge. With all the serious harmonizing that has been done here, PFUOIC might owe us a little. At the very least, we might have it tuned in here for a brief moment. I'm not one to miss such an opportunity. I have a few suggestions at the ready that would make it easier for me and women everywhere. Very minor evolutionary tweaking. PFUOIC would barely have to flex it's awesome galactic vocal cords for these trivial design changes.

Here they are in no particular order.

The twenty-eight day thing is a drag. The lag time between conception sex and confirmation of results is too long. There needs to be a mechanism for more immediate information. I suggest a small discrete button that pops out at successful fertilization. It could be located in the woman's belly button. This would eliminate the frustrating fifteen day period of sitting around waiting to see if things took. It would also allow the prospective mother to resume drinking immediately. No pop, back to the bottle. So simple. Don't even try to tell me it's impossible. If eyeballs can evolve, this button thing is doable.

Also, an immediate reset button. This could be built right into the fertilization results button. When no pop occurs after conception sex, the woman would simultaneously push in the FRB while holding down her reset button and that would reset the cycle. She could try again immediately. This one would be an improvement for those trying to prevent pregnancy as well. If there's a scare, the woman could decide not to reset for several months.

Finally, while I have the attention of the cosmos, I would be remiss if I failed to bring up the exit strategy. It's a little flawed, cosmos, wouldn't you agree? Well, how about this, there's room for improvement. An escape hatch would be nice. With an ejection button that is accessible from about thirty-seven weeks gestation. What about that thing kangaroos have going on? With the tiny babies and the pouches?

Okay, I can see where those might be back to the drawing board sort of changes, so how about these simple suggestions. A tad more elasticity in the vaginal wall. Come on, that one only involves a little chromosomal tweaking. Rubber exists in the wild. Import and improvise. What about this - have that pesky tail bone evolve away. Why is that still in there, gumming up the only available exit route?

This is my last suggestion. The cervix is made to stretch. It's a muscle. Why the mind-boggling pain? Why not tickling, tingling, burning even? There are so many options. I can understand why there may need to be a little pain involved. I get that biologically there's good reason for having us think twice before going around again, but the pain is built into the pushing part of the operation. A little break in the 24-36 hours prior to the actual pushing isn't going to cause rampant recidivism. Besides, if you want to discourage repeats, you shouldn't have made the little terrors so darn cute. Give them horns or red eyes or something. I know, let them talk when they're born. That last one might just solve the world's population problem.

I don't think these are too much to ask. In fact, if anyone else can think of anything to add, put it in the comments. We can always negotiate later. PFUOIC, these are our talking points for moving forward. Please have your people get back to my people. My Sundays are wide open. Do you have a nursery?

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Shhhhhhh. Maura, mam, Katy, Andrea, Psychmamma, this is for you. Points. Hidden at the bottom of the post. (Which is also posted early in the day, per your request. I aim to please.) I have a theory. I think the vampire blogger otherwise known as BHJ doesn't read my whole posts. He's a busy man. He gets like eight million hits a day. He doesn't have time to follow all the bloggers that read him. I think he just scans the first paragraphs of my posts to see if there's points that he can swoop in and illegally claim despite clear disqualification. It feeds his anarchist soul. (He continues to write incredible posts though. Go and read Glass. You won't be disappointed. You'll have to find it yourself because if I link to it he'll be drawn to this paragraph like a moth to a flame.) Back to the points. I love quotes. Five points to the first three commenters to tell me their favorite quote(s). Here's two of mine:

Not all who wander are lost. (Author? Five points!)

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. (Attributed to? Five points!)